I got my laptop back today, and I have to install everything again as well as customise the look and feel of the applications, etc, again. It's different now.

This makes me feel like everything is culminating to beginning on a fresh page with Chinese New Year. Although not all things are positive, it's still a new beginning, and it's something that could turn out well (or not, but who cares about that now?).

The coming Chinese New Year is supposed to be an excellent one for Rabbits, and I am looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, I had a dazed day. I left the office at 2100hrs and I am still doing stuffs now. However, I was glad to be there for someone. I hope that the new year will bring us ... -starts to think of lots of cheesy CNY greetings-

Okok. Back to work.

I have nothing left to say but "KNS". Over these few days, my blog had not been loading. Today I logged in with the intention to edit my wishlist, only to find that 95% of the HTML template had been DELETED, that's why nothing was showing up! I was horrified. Even the best HTML expert wouldn't be able to restore my former blog template. What the hell!!!!!! I don't know how that happened!

Before realising the blog thing, I logged into Cafe World on Facebook and realised that half of my stoves were empty and most of my food were half-prepared, although they were all fully prepared last night!. By Jove!

This morning I had a unique experience. It was like being on a reality TV show. After that, Jean told me that she didn't want to be on this kind of show, so I promised that I would vote her out for the next round.

I have very little money in my bank account, and a wishlist of things to get:
1) Pink portable hard disk drive
2) iPhone
3) Pretty clothes

It's time to start sprucing up my life soon!

I am unable to read my blog. The computer just gives me a blank screen, so I'm not sure whether I manage to post anything at all.

The atmosphere these days is kinda wrong. I found out that I cannot be the same person as I was in the past anymore. Maybe I found that out long ago but I forgot. Okay, so I got reminded about it.

Also, some of my days are crazily occupied while some are maddeningly empty. I had nothing to do after work today, so I totally stayed in the office for nothing. I lost track of time and forgot to eat dinner.

I also felt very restless today.

At least I managed to get over my writer's block.

Just thought of something else to do.

The setting sun cast a magical beam on the river, and the waters sparkled with stunning gold glitter. This beauty was unnoticed by all but a little girl sitting alone by the river.

Perhaps she was able to see the beauty of nature because she wasn't doing anything. While everyone bustled around, heading home, she sat there silently and immersed herself in the sights, sounds, smells and emotions of the scene.

Why should she head home, after all, when it was but an empty hut? Why should she do anything else, when all things seemed meaningless? To her, it was a perfectly natural thing to do to simply sit by the river and observe everything that was going on.

Everything, from the fish coming to the surface to hunt for insects, to the birds diving down into the water to hunt for fish. She saw everything.

Everything but love. All that she saw was but beautiful on the surface, but bore no meaning at all. It was beauty which she could feel fortunate to be able to witness everyday, but that was all. Man does not live on the appreciation of sights and sounds alone.

The last person left the river, and the last bit of glitter left with the sun. The star-studded blanket that was the night sky covered the earth perfectly, putting everyone to rest.

Then there was a splash, and she was gone.

Yet the river would shine again. The earth would go on turning. The world would not miss anything.

Would you miss her after she leaves? How long would you remember her for? Did she leave an impact on you? Did she know that there was love in this world?

Is there love in this world? Or is there just glitter - alluring and captivating, but transient and fleeting?

I think right now, if I was walking in the woods and I fell into a deep trench and broke my leg, I'd probably just stay there.

I'd stay there silently and feel the intense pain and the blood seeping out, flowing out. I'd just lean back and wait to die of dehydration or blood loss or whatever kills me. There'd be no fight anymore or no attempt to get anybody's attention. What would be the point, anyway?

What's worth fighting for?

This afternoon I forgot momentarily about the darkness of life as I experienced some small but pleasant things. Joking with people, talking to people, watching the funny things other people do... I could really appreciate the little quirks of life then.

It didn't take one or two more hours to remind me that life was bad. Life was fragile, life was suffering, life was void of meaning. It's scary. I may not have the motivation to live anymore.

I did a mental review of all the aspects of my life and discovered that I was truly leading an empty, joyless existence. Through my search for happier days, I have spoken to and will speak to many people. I have gotten many insights about life and will learn much more in the days to come. However, none of these things bring me joy. Not even close.

Now I just spend everyday trying to keep afloat, trying to gasp for air and hopefully get out of the savage seas. To a certain extent, I think I still have hope. Just a flicker of it. But I don't know when it'll go out.

My lack of love for life is now being reflected in my lack of appetite for any food at all. Everytime mealtimes approach, I simply make myself eat a token serving of food. Things which seemed nice don't taste nice anymore.

No more dreams, only nightmares. No more peace, only fear. No more love, only ghosts of it. No more joy, only pain that has dulled.

Pain

tears

night

nothing

death

futility

...

going, going, gone.

I swear BB and I are out to create a record for the most accumulated OT hours in the department. We should never underestimate the term "full-time job". It means full-time. Like all the time you have besides sleeping time (4 hrs).

I think BB is much worse off than me 'cos of pandette. I think I'm barely coping, but I'm still alive, though. It's like those people who are struggling in the sea and keep drinking sea water because they're barely keeping afloat. I'm keeping afloat because I can swim and I have some stuff to hold on to. However, the winds are strong and the waves are choppy.

I don't really have anything real to cling onto, actually. No anchor. When the waves grow in magnitude, they will carry me away and maybe try to dash me against some rocks.

I just hope that maybe I can fight enough, close my eyes tightly enough, and one day I'll find myself waking up on a beach. I'll probably be dehydrated and a complete wreck, but the storm will be over and I'll be able to stand on solid ground.

Till then, let's not assume it'll happen.

I think the worse thing about having long and tough days at work is not having someone to go home to after that. Everytime work finally ends, I can't bear to leave the office, because there really isn't anything waiting out there for me. So after I eventually leave, I'll make my way home and just log on and do more work again.

Anyone reading this blog now should just quit, because it's going to be full of depressing stuff. Or rather, it already is.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful for my friends out there, who help to make small parts of my life still worth living, and altogether, they keep me alive.

I couldn't stop crying last night, and it really kept me up. I wonder when the hurt will end. Maybe it won't. Hurt never ends. I'm still crying tears for wounds suffered ten years ago.

Maybe a more realistic goal would be to smile.

I can't believe how my life has turned out. Usually people say that when they've struck it rich, bought a private jet and are traveling to a faraway place for a holiday. My situation couldn't be any further away from that, but I that line still resonates with me.

I can't believe how my life has turned out.

This whole week, I've been working... In the office, at home... Until 1 am, 2 am, 3 am... Work has become my life. Being stressed up and fearful of screwing up has become my base state of mind. Today I went to my grandmother's house for dinner, and it felt so different. I couldn't believe that just hours ago, I was tiring out. It didn't feel like hours later, I'd be on the company laptop again.

It isn't really a relaxing time, though, like a holiday. It's more like something surreal. Like how you go to a town which had been preserved for its heritage elements, and feel like you've been transported back in time. It feels that way. Some people are amazed by that feeling, and some people simply feel displaced, transported.

My life is almost entirely different from what it was not long ago.

Now I feel like I'm in a sleepwalking state, just walking,

walking,

walking through the calendar pages,

without a destination,

without a thought,

without any feelings.

And I shall continue until I wake.