Think catfish are found in small ponds and fish tanks? Think again. In this world, there are GIANT catfish, and I'm not saying this because I'm going mad. (That's another issue).

On TV I saw a photo of a giant catfish which choked dead eating a man halfway. This photo deeply touched me, and it's not easy to touch me. Hahaha. It's like, woahhhh.

Anyway I couldn't find that picture online. And if you want to see how a giant catfish looks like, please google it yourself. I'm not running a Nat Geo newsletter here.

Whatever it is, I'm impressed. Either that, or I'm strangely sua gu.

I'm watching Ghost Hunters International again. They caught some conclusive evidence, which makes me happy.

It's 0030 hrs, and I'm wide awake. When will this feeling go away?

Tick tock.

I'm losing it. My life now is somewhat like a Tetris game which I'm losing. You know, when all the wrong blocks start to take up space and pile up while you frantically try to push them into the right spaces. It's not working. Everything is going wrong.

Give me a reason to stop these tears. I don't ask to smile. That would be too ambitious. If I could just stop crying...

My initiatives to improve my life are not moving, even those very straightforward ones. I want to scream for help out of this trench I've fallen into. I want someone to tell me that it'll be okay, and to mean it.

I have no one to call, and knowing that just makes it worse. I can only scream silently and languish in the pain of being alone, all alone in this world.

Oh. My. God. Somebody save me! I can't do this. I can't hold on. I'm losing it.

I know nobody's coming.

I know nobody understands.

I'm going to die. In this trench. Of thirst for love and happiness, of hunger for life.

How long more do I have, Doctor?

There's something terribly wrong. There must be a reason why nothing is going right. It must be solved. It must be taken away. I must live.

I created a Facebook account for my four dinosaurs after Jean told me about the papers talking about people creating Facebook accounts for the stuffed toys. I think it'll give me something interesting to do and it's also kinda artistic. I'll probably focus on posting photos and maybe later on I'll move onto writing stories. It can be cool and I hope their "friends base" builds up eventually.

I got migraine again today and I feel quite unwell and unhealthy now. Argh.

I've decided to give myself a photojournalism kind of project for my upcoming holiday. I will tour Singapore like I'm a tourist and take photos and write about it! Woohoo! I feel excited thinking about it though it has no practical usage for anyone. I think I just need to feel like I'm coming up with nice stuff.

Meanwhile I think I also better draw up a to-do list, along the lines of those idealistic books. The list will be made up of random stuff, some practical, some maybe not. Things like:
- sign up for a dance class
- sign up for a language class
- eat Japanese pasta
- say "hi" to an Australian
- scare five cats
...

Then my life will be more like that of Amelie Poulain's. =)

I don't know if you can call crying comforting, but maybe it's a form of relief to finally cry after being in pain for so long. Every day I walk around with my heart, mind and soul bound in barbed wire, and the bonds tighten as time goes by. All the respite I get comes in isolated events, like the badminton game I had last week and the salsa session I had two weeks ago. There's only so long the relief can last. It's like how I bathe when I get migraine - I believe it'll help, but it only helps for a few minutes.

Maybe some of you are wondering why I can't just do something about life to make it better. I can't. It's not that easy. Try it yourself.

It never ends. The pain never ends.

"I'm going home, to the place where I belong..." - "Home" by Daughtry

Today, many of us saw our lives flash by as we sat in a roti prata shop. That was brought about by realisation of our imminent "homecoming", proudly brought to us by Dongni, who wielded a new paper driving license and the key to Weili's car. Hahaha.

Anyway, it wasn't that bad. I didn't "go home", but I did go to "Universal Studios".

We all met up today although it was quite late, because Hui Ming's leaving for Beijing again tomorrow. =( Awww! It'll be a year before we can meet again. Sian =( I didn't realise how much I missed Hui Ming until she came back this time round, but now she's leaving again. I guess I can take heart that around May/June next year, she'll be back for good!

By then we'll have been friends for... nine years!

I can't believe I'll be 23 this year. I wonder when I'll begin to get used to getting older. Every new year seems to be a surprise for me.